A young, disheveled girl approached me tonight in the parking lot of the grocery store and asked me if I had $1 that I could give her. She needed to get to some far-off destination and was all out of gas. I didn't have $1, but I saw a gas station across the street and said that if she could meet me there I would give her some gas. The kids peppered me with questions about her as we got in the car and waited at the light- "Mom, do you know that girl?" "Why doesn't she have money for gas?" "Where does she need to go?" "Where is her mom and dad?" - none of which I could answer, but I had those same questions too.
Her battered car really seemed to be on it's last leg as it pulled in behind mine and she waited while I filled my car with her hand over her face. She looked weary. I introduced myself and we chatted briefly as I filled her tank, and then it was over. I got in my car and we started to pull away. In the rear-view mirror, I noticed that she had gotten out of her car and was headed in to the convenience store. "Where is she going?" asked Rachel. I fought the momentary urge to turn around and see if she went inside to purchase something with her non-existent money. "Maybe she needs to use the bathroom honey. I'm not sure."
As I drove home, I started to doubt whether or not she had really been in need of my generosity. The more I mulled it over, the growing doubt threatened to change the spirit in which I had given her my gift. If she hadn't really needed it, my gift was somehow worth less to me than if she was truly in need. Down the road I drove as the thoughts rolled around in my head- Had she been telling me the truth? Had I been taken advantage of? There is no way to really know.
I remembered back to other instances in which I had given things to people in need. I remember my mom taking me to Carl's Jr in Selma and buying a meal for a man in that parking lot when I was very young. That was the first time I can remember doing anything like that, but it shaped my perception that if you can give, you should.
I tried to live by that and give when I could. I remember a homeless man grabbing me around the wrist and saying something vulgar to me as I passed him a grocery bag of food through the window in Houston. He fiddled with my car door for a second before I could drive off. I was shaken and frightened.
I also remembered going through the drive-thru and purchasing a meal that I was not really interested in eating. I distinctly felt that I would find someone who would need that meal, so I drove around looking for a little bit- but no one appeared. I began to munch absent-mindedly on the fries as I headed home. 15 minutes later I missed my exit and as I got off the freeway to turn around I saw a homeless man, with a "Vietnam Vet" sign around his neck, sitting in a wheelchair. He had no legs. My stomach fell into my shoes and I started to sob. I had forgotten, so quickly, the prompting I had felt! As I rolled down the window and the tears rolled down my cheeks, all I could say was "I'm so sorry I ate your fries." He said "It doesn't matter to me lady, thanks" and then I had to drive on, filled with remorse.
Being someone who loves to give gifts, it really matters to me how the gift is received. I know I can't always control that, even less so with people that I only meet for a few moments. I can't get over the thought that I want what I give to be really appreciated and valued- like it is to me. I know that in all the giving I've done to needy people, I've probably been taken a time or two. If I had seen that young woman buy something in the store tonight, would I have had regret for the gas I offered? I think so. What would I do if I knew that man was going to grab and frighten me? Would that have changed his need? Would I have kept my gift?
"For behold, if a man being aevil giveth a gift, he doeth it bgrudgingly; wherefore it is counted unto him the same as if he had retained the gift; wherefore he is counted evil before God." Moroni 7:8
Why is it that my "giving" is all tied up in the "receiving"?
5 comments:
I think you did the right thing giving the girl gas, although I agree it's hard when you start wondering if she already had money. Maybe several people gave her a dollar for gas but since you filled her tank, she had enough for a gas station hot dog and it was all she ate this week.
I had a one really bad run in with a bum in Houston, it really pissed me off, but still I think if I have it to give, I should.
I didn't end up having any bad run ins with homeless people in Utah or in Houston, or even here in CA, luckily. Sorry for your scary encounter!
Ok, here's the thing.
1. No one likes to be or feel snookered.
We were in a hurry to a company christmas party, and on the offramp of an exit (a very tricky spot) where traffic was backed up. A man and a woman who didn't look terribly clean cut had the hood of their truck up on the left side of the road, and were asking cars that were just sitting there, for money for gas. They were even holding a gas can in their hands. We were in a hurry, so we gave them what little cash we had, and went on. They immediately closed up their truck and seemed like they were leaving to go get the gas.
Only then did that sinking feeling hit. It just felt like a too-well oiled operation. They put themselves in a spot where it would be really hard for someone to offer to go fill up their gas can and bring it back.
Now, #1 said, this brings me to point #2:
2. I decided (much later) that my heart was desiring to serve, and so was yours when you thought this lady was legit. Even if she's a liar, Heavenly Father will bless you for your compassion, even if you have to repent later for the anger that comes when feeling snookered (which I feel, too!). I decided it's better that we give even if we're not sure they really need it, then end up turning away someone who really is needy.
3. You did the right thing. Rather than give money, you gave her what she claimed to need. In Utah there was always a beggar (diff. people on diff. days) on the exit to my work in Provo. So I prepared extra lunch every day and gave that out. Last week, when I saw a man begging very close to Walmart, I tried to find food that wouldn't perish, in case other people fed him lunch that day. I got beef jerky and trail mix. Maybe not so fun, and maybe my family could have used that $25 in food more than this guy, but I just don't know, so I air on the side of compassion, which is what you did.
4. I'm still working on the giving without caring about the response of the recipient, as though it somehow cheapens or heightens the gift I gave depending on the reaction. It's hard to do. Especially when having missionary experiences, where I'm sharing a gift that is so precious to me, and don't want to share it if someone's going to stomp and spit on it. So, I'm trying to expect the rejection and still open my mouth.
5. Still use your judgment per experience, which is what a policeman told us to do just after a man pulled up to us and said he didn't have enough cash to make it to his destination (the cop pulled in minutes after the man, so we asked him what we should have done). But Rob noticed he pulled into the gas station so his gas cap wasn't even facing the pump. And when we told him we had no cash (not even yet offering that we would fill up his tank for him), he ambled off to ask a couple of other customers, then drove off. Another time, also on the way toward Utah (so, highly driven roads who wouldn't know if someone staked out a gas station to make money), a man asked us for cash, and his story just didn't add up, nor his demeanor. I had no cash, and apologized, but minutes later our friends who were traveling with us to go camping north of Vegas, backed their van into someone's trailer hitch. It did no damage to the trailer, but we all hopped out nonetheless to assess the damage. This man was over to us in a heartbeat, now changing his story again about how his friend owns that truck with that hitch, and was inside the store, but if we gave this man some money, that should cover the damages. Our friend Russell chose to give the man some money, and basically said "It's ok. I know he wasn't legit, but it's ok."
His wife and I, Rebecca, talked for quite some time about what we ought to do if it's absolutely clear someone is a scam artist and we didn't want to fuel their motivation. Her solution (with a twinkle in her eye) was to carry her pass a long cards (which neither of us had on that trip) to hand out instead of money. : ) But then again, I still think you have to judge per situation. Mosiah 4:17 has truly humbled me as does the story of the lady caught in adultery (where it's easy and obvious to point the finger and judge). 4:17 is saying that if we say, "Well, this guy brought this upon himself," we're the ones sinning. And the Savior didn't judge even though of anyone, He had the authority to do so. He was compassionate and simply told her, "Go thy way and sin no more."
I love you, Sara! Thanks for posting, especially being honest about real feelings, like not wanting to be snookered. Clearly TJ and I have blogrolls where if you post, it moves your name to the top, so we know when to come over and say hi.
I am telling you, you should be a writer. I love all your posts. Thanks for sharing these thoughts.
Are we not all beggars? I think you did what you felt was right. If the gift isn't received in the way you'd like it to be, it doesn't diminish the gift. Continue to safely give with the Christ-like spirit of giving to those who ask (beggars). I think it is an excellent lesson to teach your children about giving. Remember that we can't control what someone does with the gift after we give it.
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