My children, the objects

Ever read anything by the Arbinger Institute or Terry Warner? If you haven't, you should. Really. If you have, you know that it's like Pandora's box. Once open, it can't be shut. Dan and I attended an Arbinger seminar last week and it's been a heckuva week ever since.

"Why?" you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Completely oversimplified Arbinger teaches that you can respond to those around you in two different ways; you can treat people as people, or as objects. That is the choice we all have. Responding to people as people, we hear their concerns, we value them as we value ourselves and we respond to them RESPONSIVELY. If we see them as objects (obstacles, tools, or just completely irrelevant) we are RESISTANT to their needs and their humanity. For me, that happens with my kids when they misbehave (or don't behave the way I want them to) and I forget that the children I have been blessed with are WONDER-ful, that they look to me for love and acceptance, and that more than anything else, I love them very much.

So, I take the kids to a grocery store that we don't normally go to because they are they only store in the area that sells Taco Bell canned refried beans, which my kids are obsessed with. Jake is in a baby carried strapped to the front of me, the other three are on the loose doing what kids do in the grocery store. "Moooooom, can we buy this? This? No. This? NO. This? NOOOO!"

Cantaloupes are on sale for $1 each- score! We buy 5. On the the bean aisle where, as we are in the process of emptying the shelf of all the beans, a very nice-looking (hair-do, high heels, fake nails, MAKEUP) woman rounds the bend with her cart. I am instantly very aware of how I look (no makeup- let's just leave it at that) and the circus that is my three kids and the assembly-line system they've come up with for getting the beans into the cart which also includes a nifty little chant- "Beans in the cart! Beans in the cart!"

Adam, curious little genuis-in-the-making that he is stares at the contents of her basket. She looks at him with mild displeasure and I can feel my insides harden. I snap "Adam, step back!" and I realize that he has just, in ONE INSTANT, become an object to me. He has done nothing wrong, but I am very aware that I want him to leave the pretty lady alone and not draw more attention to us. I grab his arm and pull him back. She passes, throwing one last "I'm-so-glad-I'm-not-you" glance over her shoulder.

I'm mad. At who? I dont' know! Her for "making" me wish I had at least put mascara on; at my kids for being cute (in a loud sort of way). At myself, for grabbing the arm of my tender kid who is just being a kid- for treating him like something I needed to move out of her way.

It gets better. We go up to check out and whose cart slide in behind us? Bingo. But, this time, instead of giving me her grouchy look as she is walking away, she gets to stand there and try to melt me with it as she clicks her fake nails on her cart. AND, bear in mind, the same chanting ("Beans out of the cart!") assembly-line thingie has started up as we unload FORTY cans of beans and 5 cantaloupes on to the belt. I feel completely ridiculous and like I should explain to someone that I do feed my kid more than cantaloupe and beans and then Rachel smashes Johnny against the gum rack with the cart ("It was an accident Mom, I promise!") and Johnny takes a swing at her (not an accident) and Adam steps on my foot as he's trying to get past to ask me for the HUNDREDTH time if he can buy a gumball.....and they are all objects to me now. I can feel the blood pulsing and rushing to my head as I grab all three of them by various body parts and hiss "STOP! STOP NOW!" And, in my head now, the new "Arbinger Seminar Voice" (you know that voice that you hear after you figure out you're doing something you shouldn't be doing?? The one that won't shut up?? THAT voice.) asks "Stop what? Being kids? Helping me? Having fun while working together?"

Siiiigh. I was so excited when I came home from the seminar. I figured I could probably stop treating people like objects THAT WEEKEND if I put my heart into it. Now, almost a whole week later I just feel like I have 10 shirts on and 10 pairs of pants on too- restricted and aware of every movement that I make because I'm constantly asking myself if I'm treating others like objects or people. It takes a long time to change.

Ok so the"no sugar" thing...

It's going great! (lie) It is sooo much easier than I ever thought it would be! (lie) So super-duper easy! Uh-huh! Easy easy easy. No problems, no temptations. (lie lie lie)

I can't! It's too hard! I am defenseless against the sample basket of chocolate chip cookies at Paradise Bakery! I am feeble, flimsy, frail, weak, wimpy and wishy-washy (thanks thesaurus.com) when it comes to the dessert menu!

The trouble is, I leave my house. The only sugar in my house is a jar of semi-fossilized jelly beans. As Dan will attest (as he grumbles, opening cupboard after cupboard hoping some new junk food will have magically appeared since the last time he looked) our house is bereft of anything that even resembles junk food. As long as I don't leave my house, I'm FINE. As long as I go to the library, the bank, or even the grocery store, I'm FINE. But, take me to a meeting for homeschool moms at Paradise Bakery and it's GAME OVER. Take me out to dinner with Jon and Laura (who had the nerve to order a dessert for 4) and I don't say a word as I savor every bite of my icecream.

So , I just have to never ever go anywhere but the library or the bank. Ok, that's easy. Or, just work on giving up something easier like...thinking, thinking... hotdogs or some equally detestable food.

Hmmmm. Maybe hotdogs is the answer! Baby steps...one at a time...I'll start with hotdogs and then progress on to other "machine-separated" meat products like chicken nuggets (except Chick-Fil-A)! Eventually, with iron willpower developed after vanquishing one mystery meat product after another (I may even take bologna on!) I'll be ready to face my foe sugar.

random things

Stella, this is Jake. You'd better watch out girl, I'm gaining on you! My rolls are multiplying fast and I'm just getting started.

We love love LOVE this boy.


Sweet husband brought home sweet treats- the day after I decided sugar was banished from my life. I let it stay another day. But seriously now, no more. None.

This is the pool we got to try and ward off the AZ summer heat. To me, it looks like a huge tub in our backyard. Kids don't really have to take a real bath on the days they swim, right? The water's as warm as bathwater so I don't see the difference. Soap? Overrated. Saline water certainly has some antiseptic effects, right?

Rachel's Birthday

Rachel is 7...SEVEN!! Did you all get that? SEVEN. Unbelievable. Last week she began asking "Mom, do you have any birthday surprises for me?" as the final countdown to her birthday (which began in February) ensued.

So, I came up with a few. The day of her birthday we skipped school and as I loaded her and Jakie in the car I invited her to ask me any questions she wanted to about her surprises, the only stipulation being that I could only answer "yes" or "no."

R: "Is it a place I know?"
M: "Yes"
R: Are there friends there?
M: Maybe...(everyone is a friend you haven't made yet, right?)
R: (excitement mounting in her voice) "Did you get all my friends together for a big surprise party for me???"
M: Ummmmmm, no.
R: Oh.
M: Rachel, remember you're having a party this Saturday? And you already know all about it.
R: Oh yeah.

By the time she got over the fact that I had not arranged a huge surprise party for her, we arrived at the place she has been begging to go since the day she saw it: Build-a-Bear Workshop, yet another frivolous and ridiculous way that some scheming entrepreneur has invented for over-indulgent and fiscally irresponsible parents to provide their already toy-overloaded offspring with ANOTHER overpriced stuffed animal. Man I wish I would've thought of it first.

But I digress.

If I would've thought of it, I would've kept track of all the times I heard her sharp in-take of breath register her surprise and delight. She LOVED it. Loved picking her "new best friend," the whole kiss-the-heart-before-you-stick-it-in-the-body hoohaw and everything. The outfits, the shoes, the purses (yes purses!!) and hair doodads...it was dizzying. Right before we were done she asked me "Mom, are you sure you want to spend this much?" I was really proud that at least the price tags had not escaped her and said "For a special occasion, it's just fine sweetheart. This is your big birthday present." $40 later (for a stuffed animal!!!) , we were out the door and on to the next surprise.

Every Sunday, Rachel looks longingly at a beautiful family of 4 girls with exquisite hairdos that sit in front of us at church (yes you Tricia) and wishes I could do something even close. Well, wish granted. On to "The Glitter Box" for a (free-had a coupon- couldn't have paid for this with a straight face) "up-do" for my SEVEN-YEAR-OLD who was absolutely beside herself with delight as she was coiffed and lacquered and glittered. Heaven.

A sugar-saturated smoothie finished off the afternoon of special-occasion treats. I watched her walking beside me, swinging her box, sipping her smoothie and trying to catch a glimpse of her reflection in the mirrors of the stores we passed and I caught a glimpse of a much older girl, even older than seven, walking beside me. She stopped and offered me a sip and as I bent to take it, she kissed my cheek and said "Thanks Mom, this was a great surprise. You can do the real surprise party for me next year." :)

My gifts to me

Today is my birthday and I love love LOVE gifts. Big ones, little ones, doesn't matter to me, I love them all. What matters most in any gift I give or receive is the thought that goes into it. The best gifts I've ever received cost very little money; but I could tell the giver thought a lot about what would make me happy.

So, in the spirit of giving the best gifts, this year I'm giving two gifts to myself that will make me very happy. 1. The gift of better health and 2. The gift of being content with what I have.

Gift #1 means I will no l0nger be eating sugar. Really. I mean it. I'm eliminating it completely for a year and then I'll re-evaluate then. I have a lot of healthy, good habits, but this one is a glaring bad habit. I tend to eat to reward myself, or to "celebrate" (sometimes I just celebrate that I got out of bed today) and it's gotten out of hand. I'm just going to finish off the pan of chocolate rice-krispie treats I made tonight and that's IT. Really.

Gift #2 means that I will not be shopping/buying clothes or random things on sale for me or my house unless it is a genuine need. Really. I mean it. Usually I just buy things because I want them and I can somehow justify the purchase. Sometimes I can't even justify it and I buy it anyway :) No more. I am tired of consuming so much and even though I thought it made me happy, I think all it really did was get me more stuff to take care of.

Soooo, now I'm OUT! I'm a sugar-shopaholic, and my gift to myself is a little self-mastery. I had to tell you so that I get really serious about it- I'm a real sucker for peer-pressure. Anyone who feels so inclined can feel free to jump in and try my gifts with me. At least, don't offer me brownies. Or ice cream. Or chocolate chip cookies. Or your coupons to department stores. I mean it!

Notes

Rachel is a note writer. She write about everything from tattles to death threats to apologies. Half the fun is trying to figure out what she has written. Can you do it?


Mom anb Dad- Johnny spilb wobr on the flor


Mom Johnny is goene to shoot me win he grose up


I em sree tat I wus rood to you

1. Johnny spilled water on the floor
2. Johnny is going to shoot me when he grows up (possible in retaliation for the water tattle)
3. I'm sorry I was rude to you

Overheard

From the back seat of the car:

Johnny: "Adam, whose world is this?"
Adam: "Uhhh, Jesus's"
Johnny: "You're right Adam! Who made us?"
Adam: "Uhhh, Jesus and Heavenly Father."
Johnny: "Right! Who got crucified?"
Adam: "Jesus"
Johnny: "Who healed that dead guy?"
Adam: "Which dead guy?"
Johnny: "The one in the movie"
Adam: "Ohhh, that's easy! Jesus!
Johnny: "Ok Adam, this is a hard one. Who is the meanest guy?"
Adam: "Ummmmm, ummmmm...ummm"
Johnny: "Ssssssssss (trying to give a hint)"
Adam: "Satan! It's Satan!"
Johnny: "Right!"

See, they ARE learning from Living Scripture Videos!